Helping Children Grieve

Remembering Abigail ~  photo taken May 2012

It is a very hard thing to grieve...hard to sort out your own thoughts and feelings and let yourself cry, get angry, and pray...all in repeat mode!  But at least it's you grieving...and you know how you feel...there's no real mystery there!  

Harder still to talk to your children about death, especially the death of someone they were in close contact with that were dear to their hearts.  

My first miscarriage and Abigail's death happened before Eliana and Josiah were born, so they didn't live out those moments of grief.  The first time we told Eliana about Abigail and the first baby was when we went to Abigail's graveside on the anniversary of her death when Eliana was around 2...though I'm not sure how much she understood.  Since then, every year, there are more questions as we visit the graveside and now from Josiah as well.  

We explained to them what had happened with the babies and mostly, we  tried to give them an eternal perspective!  We always finish the conversation with the happy and awesome reality that they are in heaven with the Lord and we will one day meet them!  Of course, they are 5 and 3, so I'm not sure they really understand what death means.  Mostly, they understand that it's a separation or a goodbye-never-to-come-back-again kind of thing.  They get sad sometimes when Abigail's name comes up, especially Eliana since she's older, and they say how much they want to meet her and see her and go to heaven!   

With our current miscarriage, after we found out, my biggest hurdle was how to tell the kids!  They were excited about the baby in mommy's tummy...and now, the baby was no longer there!  We came home from the hospital and we immediately got bombarded with sweet concerns from Eliana about how my appointment went and how the baby was doing!  We had to tell them then...I couldn't keep it inside.  We approached the subject very simply and with very few details and just told them both that the baby is not in my tummy any more...it is with Jesus in heaven!  Eliana asked how the baby could be in my tummy at one moment and now in heaven, and I told her that she couldn't grow any longer in my tummy and she died and her spirit went to be with Jesus!  There were tears and hugs and a few more questions, but overall, it was a sweet moment!  

I am no expert on grief or how to deal with it or help others deal with it.  All I have are my experiences to draw from with my little guys...and they are more easily satisfied with simple answers than older kids!  I read a great article last month by Focus on the Family that I thought I'd pass on to you at the link below!  They also have some resources they recommend below for how to talk to children of all ages about death and how to help them through the grieving process. 

I would say one of the most important things is to keep the conversations going...to allow them to communicate their feelings...allow them to see you grieve...allow them to ask questions...talk about your loved ones and the memories that were created...give lots of hugs and kisses...and point them toward eternity and the beautiful reality for believers that we will one day reunite with those we love that went before us!  

Blessings,

Anamaria


How to Help Your Child Grieve (read the overview and the next two articles dealing with grief and children)

Books recommended by Focus on the Family:

Someone I Love Died

By: Christian Tangvald

Helping Children Grieve: When Someone They Love Dies

By: Theresa Huntley

Longing for heaven...

 I had a great little conversation with my 3-year old son, Josiah, today! 

Out of the blue he says, "Mami, do you still have a baby in your tummy?" 

"No, baby, I don't anymore.  Do you remember where the baby went?"  

"Yeah, he went to baby heaven," he says.  "But I wanna go to baby heaven too...because I wanna see the baby boy!"  

"Yeah baby, we will one day go to heaven and we will meet our babies there!  Do you think our baby was a little boy?"

"Yes, he was.  I wanna go now mami, I wanna go to baby heaven now to see him!"

I was very surprised he had asked me about the baby...I had just experienced a miscarriage this month and at the time a few weeks ago, Josiah didn't seem to understand or care about what happened.  He was excited when we told him we were having a baby, but when we told him the baby went to heaven, there was no real reaction.

The conversation today was so precious...and I have this conversation often with my little kindergartner, Eliana.  I love how much they yearn to go to heaven...or as Eliana puts it, "I wanna see God's home...He can see my home, I wanna see His home!"  What a sweet reminder to me from the mouths of my kiddos to have an eternal perspective here on earth...to remember that we are on a journey and this is not our eternal home! 

I love Phillipians 3:20-21 which says,  ^"But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like His glorious body, by the power that enables Him even to subject all things to Himself."

Praising God today for His mercy and love towards me, for providing a way for my salvation and the salvation of all who believe in Jesus, and the undeserved privilege of spending eternity with Him in His home!

 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."  

~John 3:16

Blessings,

Anamaria 

Fight for Peace

One week after Abigail had gone to heaven, Teo's leave of absence had ended and he went back to work.  I'm sitting on the couch alone now...alone with my thoughts and my emotions spilling over!  And I hear words...lies: God doesn't love you!  If He did, why would He allow all this heartache? Why would He want His child to suffer?  Why would He take away the one thing you wanted and the joy and gift of a child?  Surely you've finally made Him angry enough and this is your punishment...it's your fault this happened!  I knew whose words these were...these were not the words of my Father, but of the enemy of my soul!

It goes back to the garden of Eden, doesn't it?  The same lies spoken to me...spoken long ago to the first woman on the Earth!  There, in Genesis 3:1, we find those same seeds of doubt planted in Eve's mind and heart...doubts of God's love for her.  Here is Eve, having all the provisions God had created for her...a companion, a purpose, all her physical needs met, a beautiful home to live in, and best of all, the intimate fellowship with her Creator.  This is how much God loved her and thought of her before He even created her, that He would create everything as provision for her and Adam in advance.  As the chapter goes on, we see the serpent (Satan) approach her and begin his deception.  Satan first made Eve doubt what God said regarding His command not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Then he flat out lied to her telling her she wouldn't die if she ate the tree (even though God said she would).  And lastly, he made her think God was withholding something even better from her (Gen. 3:5) by saying God is commanding her not to eat because He knows that Eve will be just like God.

I just finished studying this passage and I've learned that Satan's ammo is and has always been the same...he wants to steal your peace and your faith and trust in God and His promises...especially through a storm in life when you are most vulnerable!  1 Peter 5:8-9 says, "Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings."  There is such urgency in this verse!  He is looking for someone to deceive...and usually in times of trouble and heartache when it would be more tempting to listen to these lies and let them take root in our broken hearts!  

I remember those hard days...days when I felt like I was the enemy's punching bag, being bombarded with negative thoughts of God!  I also remember how God, in His tender mercies, kept his promise to me:  "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." (1 Cor. 10:13)  He sure did provide a way to escape...a way to fight this war inside my mind and soul!  I'd get on the computer and I'd see an email from someone in our church who had just thought of me and prayed for me and sent me Scripture to encourage me.  Precious, precious Words of God!  I'd all of a sudden remember verses from the Bible that I'd memorized throughout my life...verses that were so applicable to me in that moment!  This was the Spirit at work...the great Comforter bringing healing and providing weapons for me through this fight. 

I was reminded of the real spiritual war that I was in...daily!  I was feeling it now...the heaviness of this war...how tiresome it was to keep my mind on Him in that moment.  Isaiah 26:3 says, "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."   In those dark moments, I was fighting...fighting for this peace.  I was searching and seeking and thirsting and yearning for Scripture...God-breathed Scripture!  I would verbalize out loud to Satan...that these were lies...that my Father does love me...that I was His daughter whom He gave His own Son up for!  I would read Scripture out loud and there is great power in that!  I remembered how Jesus himself overcame Satan when He was tempted on the mountain.  In Matthew 4, we see Satan trying to tempt Jesus three times and each time Jesus replied with "It is written..."  He quoted God's Word and it says in verse 11 that the devil left Him.  God's Word is SO powerful!  In Ephesians, we are instructed to put on the whole armor of God to stand against the schemes of the devil...armor of God including God's Word, faith, and prayer.  I was so aware of this war in those dark hours...and I was in it!  That peace that God had put in my heart was not going to be stolen through Satan's schemes!  I am a witness that if you take up the armor of God, if you read His Word (even when you don't feel like it), if you pray at all times (Eph. 6:18), God will do the rest!  He will fight on our behalf and the devil will flee!  

Dear friend, be alert and aware of the battle for your peace...your sanity...your faith...your joy...your soul!  Be prepared and fight this battle!  This oh so sweet peace is oh so worth it!

Ephesians 6:10-18

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.  Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.  Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.  Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace.   In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints"

How to Handle Losses

One of my favorite women is Ann Voskamp!  If you haven't heard of her, you have to visit her blog!  She has an amazing gift with words and such a transparent and tender heart towards the Lord!  The way she writes is so touching and thought-provoking and just stunning!  She wrote a beautiful blog post this week on how to handle losses!  These words really convicted me and reminded me to be thankful...always!  She writes:

"Anything I have, I don’t deserve. Everything I have isn’t a given — it’s given. Nothing is a given — everything’s a gift.  Who am I to complain in losses when what I lost wasn’t mine to begin with? You defeat your dark when thanksgiving is your default.  Let everything that has breath praise the Lord — because praise is breath to a child of God. Praise is the only way to really breathe." 

 I'd encourage you to read the rest of her post at the link below!

How to Handle Losses, by Ann Voskamp

Blessings,

Anamaria