Tuesday, July 2, 2013
I am always learning something new about myself and realizing I've had a lot of fears most of my life! I thought I let go of a lot of fears when we went on a short mission trip to Africa a couple years ago...and I did...but there is so much more that creeps in!
This is what I'm dealing with now...what I've been avoiding having to answer to people and to God...just wanting to avoid the topic all together! I've been faced with the question of "are you guys gonna have more kids?" a lot lately. I have been to baby showers and newborn visits the past few months...all the preciousness of God given to us as gifts to take care of for a while! And with each encounter with a baby, I'm reminded of the supernatural miracle of life...created by the Creator...fashioned in the womb...God-breathed life! It's astounding really...and I'll never stop being in awe of it all!
So how do I answer that question when I've had heartache...when I've buried a child...when I've told my children their sister or brother has gone to be with the Lord? Oh how I long for another baby...if only it were that easy! My thought process at times leads me to a pity party...like it's dooms-day for me...like every pregnancy from now on will end in miscarriage! Fear creeps in...and I make excuses! How much heartache can I really take?
And then a moment of clarity as God reminds me this is the enemy trying to steal the joy of life...trying to instill fear...trying to get me down about my past trials...trying to rob me of future joys! The truth is, I know I would be in disobedience to the Lord if we stopped trying to have more children! The truth is, that God calls children a blessing and "blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them"! The truth is, that my children are God's children first and I am their mother whether here, on Earth, or in heaven! The truth is, there is no need for fear when God "works all things together for my good"!
I was greatly impacted by a sermon a few months ago from a missionary, Brad Busher, who took his family and moved in with the Iteri tribe in Papa New Guinea when their children were toddlers. He explained the situation they were in and the physical dangers and sickness they were facing as a family living among the Iteri's...and how God was teaching them to "let go" of their children. We must love God more than our family...more than our spouses...more than our children! Our kids are God's kids first...and He has a plan for them just as He does for us!
It was a good reminder to me to not hold on to my kids so tightly...and this is hard! This ties in with pregnancies and my children's lives and God's plans for us and them and it's hard! I want to live life with abandon for the Lord and I want to trust Him with my children's lives. And if He chooses to give me more children or "take away" children, all is not lost! THEY are not lost! We have forever in heaven! He chooses when one's life starts and ends...and I want to celebrate life! It is precious and it is eternal for those who know Him!
So...do I want more children? Yes...yes...yes! I've always wanted many children! I'm open to more...I can say that wholeheartedly! I believe the Lord can do anything He wants! He said to Sarah when she laughed in disbelief at the promise that she would conceive in her old age, "is anything too hard for the Lord?" NO! He can make a barren woman fruitful! He can heal the body! He can move mountains! He sustains life! Oh that I would have the faith of a mustard seed...the faith that pleases my Father!